Revelations
by LAIsobel
Summary: Set after 220 - as this episode has shaken my world! I loved it and hated it in the same time. Few chapters fic about what was going through my head while I was watching. Jeller of course. Rating to be sure. NOTE - I hit a bit of a writer's block on Blindspot. But I DO plan on finishing this.
1. Chapter 1

**Revelations**

A/N – all right so 220 was hell of an episode! Oh my! So many emotions! Christ! So many things one would want to change and yet I got the feeling that it had to be done the way it was so it would make sense. I am shaken and totally pulled in and can't wait for the next one. And as I was feeling like writing a bit of angst...

I won't really address Zapata as her transition was something I didn't see really coming and I am just too curious about what's gonna happen with her and Reede – who just seemed to find his equilibrium...

* * *

The morning came and Weller found himself nursing his first glass. He just couldn't make himself drink it and finish the whole bottle – or maybe two – like he used when Jane was taken by the CIA. Back then he thought he could drink away the pain and sorrow. For more than three months every single night he would get his drink – or two or three or more – and just try to forget.

And so he sat down after this shitty day and poured himself a drink. And to his surprise he couldn't bring himself to drink it. He knew he would most probably fall back to his old routine. And he knew he didn't want to. Having a drink with his team was one thing – drinking away his sorrow was another.

Being awake whole night thinking wasn't something he enjoyed but this time sleep just wouldn't come and he had a lot to think about.

Finding out that Roman killed Emma has shaken him to his core. But he believed him and when he said she hadn't suffered. Finding out Jane knew and kept it from him? That hurt. Especially because just a few days before that he was finally ready to admit to himself what she meant to him, how much he cared and he was ready – there in the bar stirred by the intensity of the moment – to kiss her and let her know that the past was behind them. But she had lied to him – again.

What was worst for him was the fact that his rational part wanted to be angry at her, wanted to blame her and let her feel his anguish and pain but actually he couldn't really do that. Soon he realized she was the one he wanted to call to talk about it, she was the one he trusted to help him stay sober and make sense of things. It was so damn frustrating! He wanted to hate her for lying to him – as much as he wanted to hate her for choosing Oscar over him that night when he had waited in the park.

And yet he understood.

She told him she wanted to protect him. Not Roman but him. Of course partially it was about Roman as he was her brother and frankly – at her place he would try his best to help him and he would probably keep this dirty secret as well. But it was also about him. And while he was opening up to her in the car instead of shutting her out completely he saw the plain truth – she kept it from him to protect him, to save him the pain he felt as he realized that Emma had to die because of him. Jane knew that even before he did. She knew him way too well.

But he was angry and it was personal and he couldn't really bring himself to just put it behind him. He knew he most probably would – because no matter what he knew that what he felt for Jane was something he wouldn't just lock away and pretend it didn't exist. He tried that before and failed miserably. No, he could admit to himself that he had fallen in love with Jane and he had to face the fact that this was that kind of love that would keep him company for the rest of his life – no matter if she would be by his side or not.

He had told her before that he had been too choosy. And ironically he hadn't chosen her. It just happened. And he was powerless to stop it. One day he realized he had fallen for her – hard. There was attraction, there was friendship and trust, there was a lot more and finally when he least expected it there was love. It hit him like a ton of bricks and he couldn't breathe as he had never felt like that before.

No, with Jane everything was different. With Jane everything was right – even when it was all so wrong.

So he took a shower and went to the office, knowing he would have to talk to her – again. She was hurting and he was the reason why – yet again – and he knew he had to fix that. Yes, it would take time, he knew it would, but this time he wanted to let her know that he was working on it, he didn't want them to drift apart. He said a bit to her already but had the feeling it wasn't enough. Her pain stricken face was burnt into his memory.

But they needed to talk – he had to make sure there were no other lies, no other secrets between them.

God he missed her.

The only problem was that Jane didn't show up in the office whole day.


	2. chapter 2

Jane found herself wondering through the city streets. It was middle of the night but the streets were far from empty. At least this was New York so she kind of blended in and all the people she was meeting seemed to be ignoring her – and her inner torment.

She couldn't believe how things went from fairly good to absolutely screwed up. But she could only blame herself. Again. Her choices put her into this position and she had to face it.

After few hours of mindless walking she took her way to one particular spot. Patterson had showed it to her soon after she joined the team. It was her hiding spot, the secret place where she could sit and think and just be herself with no pressure added from people around her. And she shared it with Jane once – to show her the world outside the FBI office. It took them a lot of time but they became friends. The friendship was unique but all the more precious to her.

Jane sat down onto the steps by the fountain and watching the stars she let herself cry.

Last time she didn't get the chance to face the consequences of her decisions here under the open sky. Back then she was in a holding cell and then in deep hole.

Last time she believed she had deserved everything that came her way – the beatings, waterboarding, electrocuting, all the shattered and broken bones, all the burns all over her body. Keaton made sure that at some private places on her body she would have the reminders for the rest of her life – but other than that he was very careful not to leave any visible marks. Some of her tattoos were destroyed by his ministrations but he left some out – and only he knew why.

She truly thought that she had deserved it all. It was her price to be paid for her crimes. The worst of it was the fact that it was Weller who had sent her there. She loved him, she knew that and if his surprising kiss was any indication he loved her back. She loved him and wanted to protect him – instead innocent person died and she lost everything. Could she really blame him for letting the CIA take her? No. Although... yeah, a bit she could. She blamed herself more though.

Weller was her starting point. He was her... well everything. And she pushed him away. And thought he would never set his eyes on her. At first she wished she could have explained to him but later on she dismissed that thought.

This time however it was different.

This time she wanted to tell him everything – and she did. She wanted to be honest – and she was. She wanted to protect him – but instead she hurt him. This time it hurt much more. Both of them.

After all those months... she couldn't believe it. Few days ago she was in a bar and it seemed there was something resembling happiness ahead of her. Few days ago she was about to kiss him and let him know how much he meant to her and always would.

And tonight she was sitting there alone, crying, feeling her heart break into million small pieces. How did this happen?

She wanted to protect her brother, she wanted to protect the man she loved, she wanted to find the perfect time to tell Kurt the truth and she failed miserably in all. And now Kurt hated her for keeping the truth from him. And anything that might have happened between them was inevitably lost.

Yes, he did open up to her in the car, he let her see his raw emotions on his face, in his eyes – he was right when he said she had slipped through his walls – he wasn't trying to hide anything from her. And so she saw his pain, determination, she saw it all there and so she had no doubts.

When she got home she hugged her brother not saying a word and he hugged her back, not asking any questions. Jane suspected Roman knew how she felt about Weller. So he was the brother she needed him to be. She calmed down and they talked and ordered pizza...

And thinking the day couldn't go any more wrong? That was very naive. She should have known better.

She could still see the pain and betrayal in his eyes when he remembered the moment she had erased his memory. She hoped that should this moment come she would get the chance to tell him herself and to explain everything to him. She wanted to tell him – as much as she wanted to tell Weller.

When Roman took the knife she stood frozen in her kitchen and closed her eyes. She was sure he would kill her and for some reason she couldn't fight back. It was all too much.

Roman swung the knife past her face and hit the kitchen counter by her side instead, breathing heavily, he was scary. She tried talking to him, she tried touching him, she tried to explain but he just told her to leave him alone. She left the house because he couldn't and she wanted to give him the space he needed.

It was like a déjà-vu with Weller – she so desperately wanted to explain and didn't get the chance. Did she even deserve it?

In one day she lost them both – and it was her own fault. She lied to them and had to pay the price. It was something neither could forget or forgive. Not anymore. No matter her intentions she made the same mistake again and this time the price was much higher than the first time.

Jane couldn't help the sobs escaping her, she couldn't stop the tremble in her shoulders, she couldn't stop the tears falling down her cheeks. She felt broken – in more devastating way than at the black site.

Sure, Weller talked to her and she hoped he would come around. They could perhaps save their friendship – in time. They could probably rebuild their trust – in time. But the hope for anything more had died. She saw it in his eyes. He had loved her and she killed that feeling in him by keeping a secret from him.

She wanted to call him, she wanted to show up at his door and ask him to hold her as she was hurting by the incident with her brother. And he was the only person that was out of reach.

She felt her world fall apart like a house of cards.

She had lost everything. And this time there was no hope.

Jane was so distressed that she completely failed to notice the person watching her from the shadows.


	3. Chapter 3

"Jane?"

Jane heard her name and took a shaky deep breath. She didn't need uninvited company right then. She took few more breaths, wiped away her tears and turned around.

"Hey Patterson."

"Hey..." Patterson replied.

When she came out of the session with Dr Sun and checked on things in her lab, apologizing to her staff, she knew she needed to take a walk. She needed to breathe and she needed to be alone someplace Borden wouldn't haunt her thoughts.

She didn't think Jane would be here, she thought she went home with Roman.

Patterson gathered up her courage and walked to Jane. Jane only motioned for her to sit down next to her so she did. They both actually looked pretty much the same – pain written all over their features, tears drying on their cheeks, red puffy eyes...

"Do you want to talk about it?" Patterson asked and Jane just shook her head.

"You?" Jane asked back and Patterson chuckled before saying "No, not really."

They both nodded and just watched the sky from that perfect spot by the fountain. Patterson took out a small bag of jelly-beans and gummy bears and another one of some small chocolate pralines and she offered some to Jane. She smiled and took some. Who would have thought... Patterson was the first to break the silence then.

"I know it's none of my business but is everything okay between you and Weller?" She asked.

"Why do you ask?" Jane replied instead of dismissing her completely.

"Well that night in the bar... we interrupted you, didn't we?" Patterson said and Jane looked at her, trying to assess the situation. "You were so close to each other, smiling and all, I just had the feeling that we might have walked into something happening..."

Jane only nodded because she saw genuine concern on her face.

"So you two...? Again?"

"What do you mean by again?" Jane asked in disbelief.

"Oh come on, he's had this soft spot for you since you showed up! You two have the deepest possible connection and you seemed to have something personal going on before... " and suddenly she stopped.

"You mean before he found out I was lying to him and had me arrested for pretending to be Taylor Shaw?" Jane completed the sentence.

"Jane..." Patterson didn't want to bring up bad memories.

"No, you're right. There could have been something but I destroyed it because I lied. And yes, I really was trying to protect him but that doesn't change anything. And it happened again but this time it's much worse."

"What happened, Jane?"

Jane met her eyes and suddenly felt like she needed to tell someone, she needed a friend she could talk to and trust. She blinked away her tears.

And so she told her about Roman killing Emma Shaw, she told her about holding back the information, she told her about this morning when she finally came out clear and told Weller and she told her about his reaction. It all came like a flood over broken dam.

Patterson listened and didn't really try to say anything because she knew it would be pointless.

"So... I don't really know what to do now, Lia."

Patterson smiled – Jane was one of the few people knowing her given name.

"You will figure it out."

"Everything's fallen apart today." Jane said and told her the rest – about her brother remembering and swinging that knife by her face, his primal instinct telling him to kill her on the spot for betraying him. She could only hope it was his love for her – his sister – that stopped his hand from putting the knife deep into her belly or slicing her throat.

"Jane..." Patterson said and gave Jane's hand a squeeze.

"Your turn." Jane said and she could only nod. She needed to get this out as much as Jane did before.

And so she told her about her doubts, about her pain, about her nightmares, about the lack of sleep and about her day – about assaulting her lab tech, about talking to Weller and talking to Doctor Sun. She told her about trying to apologize to her staff. She told her about her deepest fear – that she was a failure, weak part of strong chain.

And Jane listened and more and more felt the worst kind of guilt eating her gut. Patterson finished and neither spoke for some time.

"I am sorry, Lia. It's all my fault."

"What? No, it's not. It's mostly Borden's but..." but Jane interrupted her. "It was my plan, my damn plan that brought Borden to the FBI and to you, my tattoos that got David killed, all is on me. You got kidnapped and shot and tortured and all is because of me. I caused you nothing but pain."

"Jane, no!" Patterson said hurriedly. "That's not true! You're not the same person and you know it. Remi planned it and Remi doesn't exist anymore."

"Like Borden..." Jane pointed out and Patterson understood. They both had their demons to fight.

"Look, I know things are pretty screwed up now but listen to me, Jane. You brought much more to our lives, you know? We've become better people. And yeah, I can't say life is easy now but what we do has a meaning, a purpose. You gave that to us. And much more."

Jane smiled at her and they hugged.

"While we're at it, Lia, you're one of the strongest people I have ever met. Don't doubt yourself."

Jane told her and Patterson nodded. They both had to start believing the other in these matters. But overcoming something so serious and drilled so deep in them wasn't easy.

"Jane how did you cope with all of it?"

"I don't know... in the gym, here, on my walks. I used to draw... I guess you just need something to give you a chance to accept everything and it doesn't really matter if it is yoga, dancing, drawing, baking or running..."

"Running sounds good." Patterson said and Jane nodded.

"It helps you clear your head, especially with some good music. But you can't run away from your memories and fears. You can just give your mind some space and time to find it's way."

"That sounds like a personal experience."

"It is. I tried to run away and it didn't really work out that well. But still, it helps me to clear my head. Well that and throwing punches into the punch-bag I have in my house." Jane admitted with a smile.

Patterson grinned at her and nodded. She could see the advantage of that. They sat in silence watching the night sky for a few minutes.

"So we're up for an interesting day, hm?" Patterson asked and Jane just chuckled nervously.

"Yeah. I don't really know what's gonna happen."

"Well if my intel is right, Roman and Weller spend quite some time together in the gym sparing. So they might find some common ground there."

"They spend time together regularly?" Jane asked.

"Yeah, they do. You didn't know?"

"No, no I didn't."

"Well that's the one thing about men. When there is a problem they need to get it out of their system, blow off the steam, throw a few punches. And like this they put the energy to use to get better in self-defence at least."

"Or they might kill each other."

"They wouldn't do that to you, they both care about you too much." Patterson softly added and immediately saw it in Jane's face that she found it hard to believe it.

'It will be morning soon." Jane said instead and Patterson nodded.

"I might actually take Weller's offer and take the day off. I could use some sleep, hot bath and huge chocolate cake." She said and Jane just smiled at her.

"Do that, you deserve it."

"What about you?"

"I don't know. I don't have many choices..."

Patterson wanted to argue but knew it would be pointless. Besides in a way Jane was right. Weller in the office, Roman at home and later in the building, Sandstorm out there somewhere looking for them and trying to get them... What was she supposed to do?

Jane walked with Patterson and made sure she was safely in a taxi on her way home before heading out to the city. She at least needed coffee before deciding what to do next.

 **A/N** \- Haha! So one evening everything fell apart, Weller spent the night alone, Jane left her house and accidentally met Patterson and they talked till the early morning. The next day Weller was in the office, Patterson stayed at home and Jane? Well let's find out! We know Weller wanted to talk to her and she didn't show up. So where was she? What happened? And what would happen next?

And by the way – this is not what I wanted to write when I first started! I wanted them to have their horrible night and then meet and make up! But well... we can try again sometime :oD

And thank you for the reviews and PMs! I love it :o))

By the way - thank you Lia for everything! This one was for you.


End file.
